Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Money, for lack of a better word, is good! (Part 2)

As I grew older, the strain of growing a beard started showing. I did not grow much wiser, or to my bitter disappointment, richer!
New methods had to be devised, refined and implemented with the same meticulous care that Wookies used to build the Death Star (Result of which is - Praxis effect explosions for everybody!)

Palpatine: "Do you recall what I told you about the relationship between power and money, Lord Vader?"
Vader: "Yes, Master. Where the Jedi gained power through money got from conventional means, the Sith gain unconventional money through power. Wait, what?"

So I decided I wanted to be a Sith. Sort of. Unconventional money making techniques it is, I decided. 
A quick Google search brought me to a most heart-warming tumblr blog of Awakening of a Girl through Unconventional Means. Reading the blog felt like being stuck on an endless cycle of Jason Mraz's I'm Yours and Everywhere (Fleetwood Mac). But it brought me to the conclusion that if you think you can find an honest money making scheme online, you should be whooping like this-

So after some brainstorming, I could come up with some ideas, which are listed in no particular order:

1. Start a Religion.
If you've been watching Game of Thrones, Melisandre has taught you a lot of things. It's easy to get uninspired people excited about a new religion. It does help that Carice Van Houten has nice hootens, but I digress..
I'm sure there must be a hundred different ways of making money by starting a new religion. Introduce a blinking in the sanctum tax. Record confessions and put it up on iTunes. 
I personally wouldn't mind being a priest in the temple of the Kama Devi. But that's just me.

2. This is easily my favourite- Become a professional critic.
Everybody likes an Anton Ego. You can also walk around with a sign saying : Fresh out of compliments. 
Heck, you could become a critic's critic.

3. The Book Job : The Simpsons Season 23, Episode 6. 'Nuff said. 

4. Take up advertising. A sign I saw slung around a brassiere mannequins neck read: Avon Brassiere's, For the Real Woman. Somehow I think they missed the point. 

5. Advice Columnist.

6.  Start a Blog. Put up ads on the blog. Sue your kids. Sue your wife. Sue your husbands. Cos they're suing everybody out here. *Antoine Dodson Advice Voice* Sue like this guy - Sues like a Baws. 

As I was Googling for Unconventional Jobs I came across this : Princeton of Pot, Harvard of Hash, Cambridge of Cannabis.
I was however apprehensive to go to the site, even more so than I had been of the blog. After having extensively researched Communism for an assignment the previous week, had I visited the site, I'd have to keep the curtains drawn or risk a red dot appearing on my forehead. First Communism, then cannabis. What next? Chemistry Cat! The Horror...

Money, for lack of a better word, is good! (Part 1)

In a life spanning nearly two decades, I can honestly say cartoons have been my greatest influence.
Mr Burns in his mansion embodied it, Scrooge McDuck dived right into it. (Gordon Gekko baldly put it). Greed is good. Well considering how Batman, Ironman and if you remember this guy - Darkwing Duck did perfectly fine without greed, I've had a greater obsession with Money. With the slight exception of Richie Rich Jr, all the cool, badass, [insert compliment here] guys have been filthy rich. And some just plain filthy.

As I grew up, I came to realize my earlier assumptions of complete financial security were more than slightly misguided. The day I came to the conclusion that my Mom's half threats - that my inheritance would only consist of Tupperware - contained a nugget of truth in them, I decided to take a stand.

Though my Mom insisted that Tupperware was the greatest investment possible, and hoarding gold and silver would get you nowhere, I desisted the family bandwagon of believing in lifetime warranties. Six years of Mango Chutney residing in the back of a freezer does tend to break Tupperware, especially when you drop the afore-mentioned Mango Chutney box onto the floor all in the name of scientific experimentation. Tupperware does however replace it's supposed unbreakable products. We run a small business now. Breaking your older boxes (which takes more effort than Tupperware would have imagined people would put into breaking their boxes) to get FREE new ones. It's quite the racket.

Come on over to my Tupperware Party

Which brings us back to the point where I decided to take a stand. I was going to become a self made man. Technically a boy, but Millionaire at 15 does have a nice ring to it.

So we come to the my first 'bizness'. For those of you unfamiliar with the magnificent world of Pokemon and the impact it had on Indian kids everywhere, I'd suggest marching to a guillotine. But I'm afraid that'd be too kind.
Cheetos' mastermind plan in giving Pokemon Tazos/Jenga, gave people like me amazing opportunities to pick on the serfs. In this case, kids younger than me. I was 10 when I managed to take command of the trade cartel. Vito would've been proud.
My attempts to sell worms I found in a bucket (yes, bucket) of stale puffed rice, as Caterpeedle (Caterpie + Weedle...Hey kids! I just found a new Pokemon! Would you like to buy one?) were fairly successful.
Them kids hardly had the money to propel me into Millionaire-dom. But I had enough in terms of credit, and Tazos. Money was accounted for by the number of Cheetos packets I could buy with it. One packet a day and I was happy. Twas truly a much simpler time...


Thursday, 17 May 2012

That's Not My Name!

Howdy. Howdy howdy howdy.
A man says, "Is Vijay all right?". A second man screams "VIIIIJJJJJAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY". Linear progression with increasing number of repetitions for each letter hurts the man's eyes. But it was 'screamt' and not read. So both mans(not men, mans) eyes are all right. For now.
The second man claps his hands, not entirely unlike Simple Jack did, back in 09.
The song starts. It isn't Flo Rida's Low, with  Les Grossman's booty swiveling.

That's not my name. *clapclap* That's not my name. *clapclap* 
'So what IS your name?' a third man asks.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
In the end he created JustLizha. Wish he hadn't.

PS- If you kept up with all of that. Well Done! Give yourself a clapclap on the back, and get ready. 

If you couldn't keep up, PRO tip- Learn to Google. Jaqen H'ghar expects little else from all of you. A man has spoken.